By Joshua Burton
Modern life is a busy, bustling highway of tasks, needs, wants, and jobs. Why complicate your life with the regular task of cleaning and organizing your own computer? Well, myWebRoom has been working on an alternative to the overly complicated and rigorous task of maintaining your computer’s efficiency. We are proud to introduce the newest feature to our website, the one-step computer-cleaning service we like to call myWebBROOM!
Are you tired of clearing your own browsing data? Is organizing your downloaded files too much of a task? Who ever organizes their pictures into logical file folders? These questions will now be a thing of the past with myWebBROOM! Simply go to the new BROOM item in your WebRoom and enter your email address and street address, and we’ll do the rest!
We will process your order and within 20 minutes dispatch a myWebBROOM personal computer maid to your location! Our highly-trained service agents will then, with few words and polite demeanor ask to see your personal computer and begin the task of organization.
“They just come right in and start working. It’s an incredibly efficient system. Eerily effective,” said James Stanton, one of our myWebBROOM beta testers. “It turns out they don’t even need your input on how to organize your computer. They just….do it. In fact, they seem very against you giving your input.”
The myWebBROOM agents – or “Broomies,” as we call them – independently decide whether any information is essential to you. We hire only the most enlightened people for our service, and they are great at scanning your personality type by your computer’s content and assessing what you will need or won’t need. Our cleanliness specialists with usually begin with the dirtiest jobs. This usually includes (but may not be limited to) clearing your browsing history. One site at a time. With myWebBROOM we take the job of cleanliness very seriously. Clearing data should be thorough, which is why we usually delete files one-by-one, as opposed to wide-spectrum data removal.
Next, they do a virus and malware scan of all of your computer – manually, of course – and examine your hard drive’s contents file by file for unwanted programs, images, texts, and videos. While they are doing this, they organize your saved data into categorized folders with logical subfolders that are both intuitive and easy to navigate. If you choose, we can install special items from your WebRoom to act as graphic images for all of your folders instead of that boring office folder icon most operating systems default to. Our Broomies have no judgements. You are safe within the safe zone of myWebBROOM.
“I tried to watch over the shoulder of my Broomie as she was working,” Brendon Hapsland said. He was one of our early adopters to the system and enjoyed the service from his swanky New York loft in Brooklyn. “She politely asked me to let her do her job and had me sit alone in my room while she continued to work. My computer’s never been more organized! She removed some….important stuff. Like some work documents that my boss still needed, but she rightly pointed out that if it was really important my boss would surely have a copy of it. Broomies are really very clever. I hope.”
Next, Broomies usually sift through the refuse in your email service and remove any spam, old emails and extraneous email contacts. Don’t worry, the maids usually send an email for you to any contacts they remove from your address book and inform them of the edit – usually including your home address for the removed person or persons so they can mail you important messages through physical mail.
Lastly, and possibly most important, our dedicated cleanliness experts go through your social media profiles and clean up the clutter on those sites. Do you have any games you never use? Our people remove them. Tired of obnoxious friends and relatives posting (or rather REposting) awful memes and chain posts that show up in your feeds? Broomies will unfriend them. By the time our myWebBROOM employee is done, you will have the smallest and most concise social media presence you’ve had in years. Don’t worry, the maid will always send a private message to anyone who gets removed from your contact list and inform them of the edit. We know surprises are never fun and we try to avoid any social discomfort related to your cleanliness.
As you can tell, the process is simple and easy. We have several tiers on this service. You can choose a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly Broomie service schedule. And now, for today only, early adopters can sign up for a special daily myWebBROOM cleaning for the entire month of April. That’s right, if you sign up before the end of April 1 (colloquially known as “April Fool’s Day”) you will get a DAILY cleaning visit for the entire month for the price of a monthly service plan!
If you have any interest in becoming a Broomie, contact our hiring department and we will consider your resume. A background in computer science is a plus, but not necessary. Proponents of the mystical arts tend to do a bit better in this industry, as they tend to have a pleasant and intimidating presence when on the job. Background checks are also a standard part of the hiring process. Prior convictions for larceny and robbery are never good signs for our applicants. However, myWebBROOM does like to acknowledge that we are an equal opportunity business.
We are so excited to bring this exciting new service to our already great web discovery and design experience. We hope you enjoy the new service. Don’t forget to let us know what you think of the new myWebBROOM in the comments section below. Remember, it’s never bad to ask for help, especially from a stranger that you ordered on the internet. Have a great April Fool’s Day, people!